Home Alone

A few weeks ago I came up with a brilliant idea. It stemmed from exhaustion, as most of my brilliant ideas do these days. I would get up one morning, get Day ready for school, drop her off, and come back home to SLEEP! It was such a great plan that I wondered why it had taken me 2 1/2 months to think of. But then the momma guilt set in and I started thinking what kind of mother am I that I have to take my baby somewhere else just to get a nap? So, for the last few weeks exhaustion and guilt have been battling it out. Exhaustion won! And I mean in a big way... guilt has retreated never to be heard from again on this issue. I am home alone!

I guess this is really the first time since I had Day that I have been in this house without her. It's strange and of course I don't know what to do with myself, BUT it is almost 10:00 AM and I haven't even been up a whole hour. Still on my first cup of coffee. And even better than the original plan, Ken got her ready for me this morning and took her to school. (I wonder what she has on... I'll report later on that I'm sure.)

Another first this weekend, Ken and I went on a date! At night! Without Day! Yes, for the first time in almost 6 months. Mom and Jimmy came over to keep her, and we weren't even gone 3 hours, but still. I was nervous. Not because of whose care she was in (ok, a little because of that), but just because I hate to think about her crying over something that I can fix yet being unable to fix it because I'm not there. Probably another one of those themes of motherhood that I will experience for the rest of my life now. Here's the report I got: (I think they softened it a little for us.) She did good for about 30 minutes, then she was pretty much pissed the rest of the time. Mom said she didn't really get a "bath" per se... more like a wet down. She wasn't quite able to get her socks on her after the bath - almost didn't get the snap secured on the back of her pajamas. Then, she tried to recreate her fall asleep routine, exchanging my boob for a bottle of course, but Day was not fooled. And was not happy about it. She finally wore herself out about 8:45. She is rarely up past 8:00.

So, my mom will instantly feel guilt and/or inadequacy when she reads this, so let me say that this scenario could have happened to anyone. Although I would not have trusted the job to anyone else. My mother loves Day just like she birthed her herself. Just ask her. Well, you don't even have to ask her. If you know my mother, you already know this. And here's the truth of it - I was sad for Day that she cried, but a little happy that she missed me. Sick, right? I know. Another double edged sword.

Thanks, Cacky and Bebo for taking care of me! Sorry I screamed at you! Love, Day

I'm sure these little steps involving separation in any form will get a little easier. Just like it got easier to leave her at daycare. And I've had enough therapy and child development courses to know it is what healthy parents do (although I've never been completely healthy). I want to raise an independent child. But I want to be a constant source of comfort for her. And I don't want to miss a single moment! So, there. My thoughts in a rare moment of solitude.

Favorite pics from the last few weeks...