Maybe Love is an action like eating well or exercise is an action. It’s not necessarily a FUN action. It’s actually more discipline than favor. More decision that gesture. When I decide to pass up the cupcake for the orange, it sucks. Not every time, and not in the same way every time, but it’s not my favorite thing to do. I like cupcakes. Cupcakes are easy. It takes an intentional decision AHEAD of time to choose the orange.
And when I decide ahead of time to Love, and I am faced with the decision to react in anger or respond in humility, I choose the harder choice… humility. Damn. Not at all what I wanted Love to feel like. It’s almost like hearing someone say they lost weight by eating well and exercising. It can’t be! We so badly want it to be anything but that! Love is not for the lazy. But it is for those of us who want to believe the best has yet to come.
Maybe we are Graced with Lazy Love for the first phase of our lives, because I do remember a time when Love was easier. It’s been hard lately, really hard. And I am fighting my way through to the other side so that I can say I understand Love just a little better than before. Just like taking care of my body used to be easier. I could be thoughtless with very little immediate harm done. Not so much anymore.
So, here’s what Love looks like to me right now… biting my tongue instead of popping off a complaint, picking up the socks anyway, choosing to forgive first, apologize first, not running away and hiding from the breakdowns, problem solving to shift the harmful cycles, and therapy. Lots of therapy.
In this age of Self Love, let me say this… I think self-love might be easier than truly Loving someone else. Not to say it is not important, in fact, I believe it is a hard and fast prerequisite, but it is easier. You already know what you like. And if you don’t, it’s not impossible to spend time with yourself and find out. (Or maybe I’m just introverted enough to believe this.)
I’ve done a lot of self-love lately, and I’m going to continue because I know it will help me Love outside myself better. After all, real self-love is not all indulgence. Some of it is digging up stubborn weeds and resoiling the garden. But when it’s time to turn that same level of care and generous acceptance to someone else? That’s where it gets sticky.
So, for those of us working through hard things, let’s acknowledge that. Love is hard. Love takes a hell of a lot of discipline. On this Valentine’s Day, because I want a Love that lasts, I’m choosing humility, patience, and a fucking lovely, delicious orange.
