I didn't start out wanting a homebirth. I didn't even start out wanting a natural birth. I started out wanting a vaginal birth. That’s all. A chance to experience childbirth like most women experience it. Through my vagina. Weird, huh?
After the birth of my first daughter, via cesarean section (or rather via inducesarean as my friend and fellow VBACer likes to call it), I wasn't sure if I would have any other children. I was ok with that. After all, God had just granted me the greatest blessing I could ever have imagined. There was a long time before when I thought I’d never have that blessing of motherhood at all, so I was filled, fulfilled, content.
The circumstances surrounding the delivery of my first born
are not dramatic. It was not an emergency. At the time, I was made to feel like
it was my only option. And it probably did get to that point, but the reason it
got there was not because my body wasn't doing its job or because my baby couldn't tolerate labor. I am certain that the necessity of my section was a
direct result of the unnecessary interventions that I allowed in the hospital.
I’m pleading ignorance, but that really doesn't change things. Bottom line is
that I could have had a vaginal birth the first time if I had known more about
birth. Sad, but true.
That’s not always the case. Some people’s bodies just follow
the textbook guidelines without ever having read the textbook. But please be
assured, there is in fact a textbook. And if your body veers too far outside
the guidelines provided, you will be treated accordingly. I’m sure all of these
interventions started out as a way to ensure safety. And I’m sure that in a lot
of cases, they do just that. But I’m afraid that in the meantime, doctors and
hospitals have come to rely on these interventions as tools of convenience.
I had a healthy baby the first time. Why would I want MORE?
Why wouldn't I just do a repeat of the first birth? To me, that question is so
ingrained in who I am that it makes it hard to answer. I am just as baffled by
the question as those who are asking it are of my desire to do something
different. I wanted a vaginal birth the first time. I assumed it would happen. I
assumed that the ONLY reason I would not be able to provide that for my baby
would be in the case of an emergency. I was wrong. So, it just never crossed my
mind to NOT try again.
At my very first OB appointment, I shared that desire with
my doctor. I was unprepared for his response. I was naïve going into that
discussion. I thought it was going to be as simple as checking the box yes or
no: Do you want to try for a vaginal birth this time? Well, sure I do. Instead
I got dealt the “dead baby” card. Apparently, it is played often to mothers who
want a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) in hopes that they will not bring
those “risks” into the hospital. It had the opposite effect on me. It didn't shut me down. It raised tons of questions. I wondered what in the world I was
asking for! Surely I would not desire something that would result in a dead
baby! Of course I wanted to do what was safest. What mother wouldn't Didn't ANYONE have VBACs? I was so confused.
So, I started reading. And I started asking questions. And I
started looking at research. And I talked to real people who had been there. And
I read books and books and books. And I spent a lot of time praying, really
praying. And the conclusion that I reached was that what I wanted was NOT crazy.
It was completely reasonable and completely SAFE. Maybe inconvenient from a
hospital’s perspective, since all births are unpredictable, but not at all a
death wish!
So, first I hired a doula, then I fired my OB. And guess
what? The 2nd OB was completely supportive! From dead baby to sure thing! How
can it be so different from one doctor to another? With a supportive physician
on my team, I started asking questions of the hospital and the nurse staff
about the policies and protocol. Here’s what I learned on that leg of the
journey: even if everyone involved wants you to succeed, “the way things are
done” really weigh more in determining the outcome.
I knew I needed the following things in place to have a
successful and safe vaginal birth: freedom of movement, peace of mind, minimal
interference, as much time as I needed to give birth, and most importantly, I
needed supportive people around me who believed I could do it. As it turns out,
the hospital where my *very supportive OB practiced was not going to provide all
of those things. And as a side note, although completely worthy of a blog post
on its own, that particular hospital reported an 85% csection rate in 2011 and
a 78% the year before. Again, not something anyone offered to tell me at a
prenatal appointment but available information for consumers who want to find
it.
As it turns out, my best shot at having a vaginal birth was
to have a natural birth. My body was going to need to be able to move and
adjust. I realized that in order to maintain mobility, I would have to say no
to all mind numbing drugs and an epidural. That was a terrifying thought at
first. It slowly turned into a challenge until finally becoming an opportunity.
And then slowly I discovered that my best shot at having a
natural birth was to have a homebirth. One of the first real reasons why
homebirth sounded like it might be the best option for me was that in order to
DECLINE pain relief, you first had to be OFFERED pain relief. I didn't entirely
trust myself to decline. No one was going to be able to offer me an epidural at
home!
I didn't immediately jump on the homebirth wagon. More like
it kept stalking me. Everywhere I turned there was some subtle or not so subtle
reference to HOME and the peace that it brings. I “coincidentally” met actual
friends who had had homebirths. Red flags were flying everywhere about epidurals
and interventions. Friends were joking, “You should just have that baby at
home”. And instead of laughing it off, I would imagine what that would be like.
Looking back, I am amazed that it took me so long to put it all together. But
the beautiful thing about that process what that it unfolded naturally, just
like birth! Nobody made the decision for me. I didn't even intend to make it! It wasn't forced. It just unfolded.
I was already well into my 3rd trimester of pregnancy. I couldn't switch care providers AGAIN! (Could I?) The few weeks leading up to
that final decision were quiet ones. I spent most of my time just getting
really honest with myself. Making sure my motives were in check. Making sure I wasn't going to do this for anyone else. Wondering about all the times I didn't question things and maybe should have. Reflecting on all that women are told to
do, because that’s just what’s expected.
The least I could do was TALK to a midwife. That would help
me make a decision.
It’s weird the scenes that stick in your mind, but the first
time I talked to Norma I was on my way to Kroger. I expected a 5 minute
conversation. Instead, I spent 45 minutes in my car in the parking lot talking
and listening. She answered ALL of my thousands of questions, never once
recommending homebirth. Just answering questions. When we hung up, I realized that
she had just spent more time with me in that one conversation than both of my
other OBs had through my entire pregnancy. And I didn't owe her a penny. She
prayed that I would find some peace, since that was what was most important to
my baby. I hung up the phone and was flooded with calm. For the first time
since the dead baby card, I felt like I was on solid ground.
My worries turned into excitement. I released all of the
fear that I could. When fear would sneak up on me, I would just let it in, then
let it right back out. It never stayed long. I knew with every fiber that this
is what I was supposed to do. And the amazing thing was that the journey to
that level of peace became just as important to me as the birth experience. I
think THAT’s what it was all about for me. And I know that I never would have
gotten to that place without a homebirth.
Wren was born December 2011, at home, and my world changed.
It had been changing all along, but this moment… this I DID IT moment altered
the very person that I am. It has changed me in a way that my first birth did
not touch. I went from ignorant bystander to active participant. From a set of
symptoms to be treated to a biological miracle unfolding.
You can read that
story here: (Wren’s birth story)
It’s taken me a while to tell this part of the story. More
than a year. I was not traumatized by my first birth experience. It was a slow
process, but I came to realize that I had not been given the best chance to do
something that I didn't even know was so important to me until later.
And this experience has started translating so beautifully
into other areas of my life. Here’s the formula: Something shows up on my radar
that “surprises” me. Instead of pushing it aside, I try to think about it. I
give it the “greed” test. (Greed = stay far, far away.) I check my fear level.
I step over the fear and I settle, knowing that I don’t have to fall in line
and do “what’s expected” in order to be worthy. In fact, sometimes what HE
expects of me is much different than what the world expects. I’m learning to better
distinguish between the two.
Our homebirth was my catalyst event. It changed me in ways I
am still discovering. It has empowered me. I regained the power to think for
myself in ALL areas, not just the ones where I am already comfortable. I
regained confidence in my ability to trust God. I have reclaimed my rightful
place as a woman and as a mother. This journey was designed for ME. And it
was/is perfect for me. My first birth made me a mother, but my second made me a
woman.
And if you STILL don’t understand why I would want this
experience in the first place, please read this:
* My friend and fellow VBACer that I mentioned at the
beginning of this story was being seen by this same “very supportive” OB. She
remained very supportive until the end of her pregnancy. At her LAST
appointment before her due date, she started listing the reasons why a csection
would probably be the best route to take. It’s called Bait and Switch. Not uncommon,
but who would EVER think to question? Luckily, my friend went into labor and
stayed at home until she was ready to push. By the time she got to the
hospital, all there was time to do was catch a baby!
** I didn't mention Ken in this story, but not because he didn't play an important role. He was completely supportive of my decision and
patient with my doubts, questions, and worries. His journey was different, and
I can’t tell it for him. But I can say that I learned a lot about his love for
me along the way. He gave me space to work it out, just enough challenge to
keep me honest, and total respect for my experience.
