Labor Day

Last year I spent all 24 hours of February 15 in labor. This year, I took the day off work. Emotionally, I feel a little like I did in the weeks before Day was born. Raw. Not really wanting to talk to people. At least not wanting to pretend anything. In all honesty, I never gave a lot of thought to the one year mark. All I ever wanted was to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. Check. Everything else is (as they say) gravy.

I haven’t taken a moment for granted. I have heeded every word of advice that told me to savor my time. I’ve gazed into her angel face and soaked up the love. And still. I’m having to say goodbye to a stage that was so precious. I know, I know. It only gets better. But that’s hard to believe. It’s been REALLY good already.

We bought the “big-girl” nap mat for the toddler room at daycare. TODDLER! Did you hear me? Toddler. And I think she’s ready. It’s me that is having a hard time. She’s full steam ahead with a smile on her face. I love watching her learn, and try things, and make connections. And I’m looking forward to her birthday party. I think tomorrow will be the hard part. Or maybe I’m getting it all out today.

This weekend, I read a letter that I wrote to Day last year before she was born.

Here’s part of it:

“You are my everything. I promise to teach you about the good in this world. And I want to teach you how to be honest, even when it hurts. I know you’ll have a strong mind and will and a tender heart since your daddy and I are both that way. You could not have chosen better parents to raise you. We will NEVER take you for granted. You will always be the gift from God that we prayed for for so long. Still, we feel humbled by the gift of you. It has been such a miracle to feel you growing in my belly. At times when I thought adoption might be our path to parenthood, I never really let go of the desire to feel you grow inside of me. It has been like nothing I can describe. To share my body with you has been an honor. Honestly, I think I’ll miss you in there where you are safe and close to my heart at all times. I know raising you will be a challenge. Your daddy and I were both highly spirited children. I can’t wait to see what you’ll teach us. Know that you are loved and cherished.”

And it helped to remember that I felt this same way before she got here. And it really did just keep getting better. A wise friend told me, “the love for a child is the only love that grows toward separation”. I think I’m only beginning to understand the truth in those words.