Mother of the Year

I did it. I endangered my child’s life. I neglected her safety, and it could have been bad. It wasn’t intentional, but that has not made me feel any less terrible.

Yesterday after work/school, Day and I both had friends over. Day and her friend were playing while friend’s mom and I were sitting on the back deck, talking (drinking beer). I include that fact because somehow it makes me feel even worse and I need to purge the guilt.

We were both oblivious to where the kids might be but unconcerned because really, “what kind of trouble could they get into?”… when a very panicked, very frightened, very intense neighbor came flying out of my back door (from inside the house) saying, “There are KIDS playing in the STREET!!”

Oh, Shit. MY kid.

I ran out to the front where traffic is stopped going both ways in front of our house because some dumb ass red neck mom let her kid and friend wander around the house unsupervised. (That would be me.) Of course they ended up going out the front door! In my defense (there really is no defense, but I need you to know) we ALWAYS keep the latch locked on our screen door for this very reason. But not this time.

Part of what kept me up all night was replaying the looks of disgust on my neighbor’s faces. Their lack of understanding when I pitifully muttered I’m so sorry. These people don’t know me. But they are forming opinions. Not off to a great start. And it didn’t help that we were on the back deck drinking beer and they were on their way to Wednesday night bible study at the Baptist church. Jesus.

It also is weighing heavily on me that another child could have been hurt at my house. And I take full responsibility for the possibility. It was not my friend’s job to lock my screen door. She assumed her child was safe at my house. I would have assumed the same thing. I DID assume the same thing. You should know that she did not overreact, did not blame me, in fact she spent the next hour trying her best to make me feel better. That’s what a friend does.

But mostly what has tortured me is that my child was in danger BECAUSE OF ME. It is my only job in the world to keep her safe. I do realize that I should be eternally grateful and humbled that she was in fact NOT hurt. And I am. But, I have to be honest. That might have been my initial emotion, but it very quickly turned into shame.

So, again… I apologize to my neighbors and to the world that I endangered my child. And I am so appreciative that they stopped and made sure she was safe. I don’t remember telling them thank you, but I will, in person, the first chance I get. And I can’t promise I’ll ever be Mother of the Year, but I promise that I’ll do better. After all, she is my most precious gift.