It's true what "they" say...

1) It’s the hardest job you’ll ever love.

Here’s the honest truth. I didn’t know it would be so hard. I didn’t know she would cry so much. I didn’t (and couldn’t possibly) understand the physical stamina required. New moms are reluctant to talk about how difficult the job is because we are also so eternally grateful and in complete awe that we don’t want to come across as unappreciative. But I’ll speak up for all of us… THIS IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. And I mean the weak hearted, the weak stomached, or the weak minded. No wonder God chose women for the job. (Couldn’t help myself.)

It’s getting easier every day because I’m learning her language, but the first month especially made me feel incompetent, like a bumbling fool. And I keep thinking, “People all over the world in all sorts of situations handle this!” Mentally, motherhood requires such a huge leap from independence to total responsibility for another human being! I think breastfeeding probably magnifies this sense of responsibility and constant need. Your body is keeping someone else alive! It gives me butterflies sometimes.

My style of dealing with challenges and managing life in general is this… lay the cards on the table, let me analyze the situation, make a decision and act on it. I tend to be practical when it’s possible to do so and I really like a clean finish, all i's dotted and all t’s crossed. Well, surprise! That method is all but totally useless with motherhood. There ARE NO CARDS! I’m having to learn to be comfortable with not knowing what comes next, not knowing whether I did it “right” or not, not knowing what to do next and brave enough just to try something… completely blindly. Like I said, not my style. But it’s a great life lesson and one that I am overdue for anyway.

2) Sleep will become a luxury.

Ah, sleep. The thing I spent half of my former life doing. My rough estimation is that I probably spent a total of about 16 years asleep. Glad I got all that sleep. I remember what it felt like. I have had only two stretches of sleep that lasted over 3 ½ hours since February 13. One of which was last night – the only reason I have enough mental energy to blog today. I have been a professional sleeper. I’m talking naps, sleeping in strange places, prioritizing sleep over lots of important events and people. So, let me give myself some credit. I’ve done better than I thought. Before Day arrived, I would be cranky and unable, yes UNABLE to function if I didn’t get at least 8 hours of sleep. My average and preferred length was 10 hours. These days, give me four and I can stay productive for the next 20 hours. That is a miracle. It’s not even the same sleepy as before. It’s a new zone. Your brain just half way shuts down only letting in the most important and critical information. No longer room for ideas that don’t involve Baby Day, which is fine with me.

I hear this sleep thing gets better. I’ve also heard from other moms that it doesn’t. Either way, I’m on the train. No going back now. I think that’s what makes it easier than I thought… there is no choice involved. Before, I could chose to sleep or not. Now, what I want gets trumped by the Princess. Finally.

3) They grow up so fast.

I know it’s only been 7 weeks, but what happened? Have other people just lived normal lives? Maybe it’s the consistency of our routine, but I feel like time has just become irrelevant. She is already smiling, cooing, “bossing” me with her cries, recognizing faces and voices, enjoying her toys AND she is growing out of clothes! I put a onesie on her the other day and when I picked her up the snaps popped open. Oh, and she grew out of newborn size diapers. She’s in size 1 now. And it makes me sad. And happy at the same time. Maybe this is the ultimate theme of motherhood… totally contradicting feelings existing together. Is this what bittersweet means? Ken played a song for me the other day by Darius Rucker called “It Won’t Be Like This For Long” that really says it well:



4) Your whole world changes.

One of the things that irritated me most while I was pregnant, and there were a few, was when people would say, “Oh, your world is about to change.” I would think, well, yeah I sort of thought it might. But the reason that people say that is because it is TRUE. And there is no way to describe it. You just have to live it. It’s like most of your former world just washes away. For me, that includes most of the things that didn’t matter anyway. I see everything through her eyes. I want to teach her about all the good things in the world. I want to protect her from the bad things. I am her world filter right now and will be for a lot of years. She’ll learn about people and love and God and herself through my words and actions. Again, responsibility that I could not have imagined … even though I thought I had an idea.

5) It’s a love like no other.

I see Ken with Day and I can hardly stand it. I know that his love for her is as big and pure as mine. He and I are learning together and sharing experiences that nobody else is a part of and it has made our relationship richer and stronger. (Don’t misunderstand. We have also hated each other for passing moments over the last few weeks.) That said, my love for Day is different. It’s all-consuming. It’s universal. It hurts. It’s probably the closest thing to God’s love for us. I think that’s the whole truth of it. It’s why we have the opportunity to be parents. So we can better understand His love for us.

DAY'S BIRTHDAY

I’m sitting here listening to the rain and Indigo Girls. The power has been off for about an hour and it’s starting to get dark. I couldn’t be happier. My sweet baby girl is asleep in her bassinet after falling asleep on my chest. My mom left earlier after spending the week with me. She cooked us dinner every night and helped me with Day. Such simple pleasures. I heard something for the first time the other day that describes how I feel… a bruised heart. I’m just tender about things. I cried at American Idol last night because the cameras showed a proud mama in the audience who was crying. My heart and head and lungs are so free – there’s just more room for life now that Day is here.

I’ve been meaning to write her birth story for a few days now, but I’ve been busy. And, yes, by busy I mean staring at her angel eyes and waiting on those precious smiles - even if they are just poop smiles right now.

Ken and I had a great Valentine’s Day this year. We grilled steaks and I even had a glass of red wine. I thought maybe it would relax me and put me in labor. We went to bed about 9 PM. At 11:00 I woke up with a bad cramp. It passed and I went back to sleep. I woke up at 11:05 with the same cramp. 11:10, 11:15… Ok, time to wake up Ken. I didn’t know what to expect with contractions because they’d been described to me so many different ways. But ANY sensation every 5 minutes was pretty promising. I woke Ken up and we started talking about what to do, how long to wait, how bad they were. The contractions were uncomfortable and I probably would have described them as almost painful if I hadn’t been so excited. I took a bath and shaved my legs just in case this was it.

An hour had gone by and they were still 5 minutes apart, so we called the hospital. Dr. Betcher told us to wait another hour and see if they went away or intensified. Sometime around midnight we decided to walk around the block. Thinking back on that walk, it was magical. We’d stop when a contraction came on, I’d hold on to Ken and we would just laugh.

But, as the theme of my labor and delivery unfolded, things did not go according to schedule. After the walk, my contractions started becoming more irregular. We decided to try to go to sleep and see what happened. Of course, that was close to impossible. One, because I was in pain and second, because we were so excited.

Around 2:00 AM on Sunday we decided to go to the hospital just to see if I was dilating. I honestly thought that they would check me and if I was not dilating, they would send us back home. But, Dr. Betcher had already told the nurses that we had called and to be looking for us. We checked in at the Emergency Room. Ken got to say, “My wife’s in labor.” More smiles. When the attendant wheeled me to the Labor and Delivery floor, they were ready for us. Two nurses got us settled and admitted before we even had a chance to ask if we were going to stay or go. The nurses checked me and I was not dilated, but Dr. Betcher had told them to go ahead and keep me until he got there later that morning to check me. That’s when I called Mom. I told her nothing was really happening and to wait and come up at a decent hour. She peeked her head in the hospital room about 3:30 AM.

Dr. Betcher came in and checked me around 8:00 AM. My contractions had continued, but they were not increasing in frequency or intensity. We had not been to sleep. At first, the doctor told us we had some choices: 1) we could walk the halls and see if things got moving, 2) we could go back home until my labor progressed, 3) or we could go ahead and start Pitocin to strengthen my contractions. I was scheduled for an induction that Wednesday, February 18. He said he wanted to do an ultrasound before we made up our minds. We had already started leaning toward the Pitocin. Ken did not want to go back home, and my thought was if we were going to have to come back and induce in a couple days, might as well get started early since we were already there. When we did the ultrasound, the doctor changed his mind about our options. The low amniotic fluid level concerned him. He suggested we go ahead with the Pitocin. He didn’t want to wait or let me walk.

So, HELL began about 10:30 AM Sunday. Pitocin is an evil drug. Maybe others have had different experiences. Maybe my pain threshold is lower than I thought. Maybe everyone lies about how bad it is. Whatever, that shit HURT! I lasted about an hour before I was begging for pain medicine. Note to other pregnants: Stadol is not a pain reliever. It is a drug that makes you so drunk between contractions that you stop bothering the nurses. I think it’s more for them than the laboring mother.

(I had to stop writing to tend to Day and am just getting back to this 4 days later… so this is how it’s gonna be, huh?)

I labored with Pitocin and Stadol from 10:30 AM Sunday until 5:30 PM that afternoon when I had finally dilated to 3 cm – enough for the epidural. That was heaven. I finally felt like I could rejoin what was going on around me. Before that, the pain had me locked up in my own head. It took another 6 hours or so to dilate enough to start pushing. Around 11:30 I was 10 cm and started pushing. I was doing all I could with the energy I had left, but she was not coming down far enough for the doctor to assist with forceps or vacuum extraction. She was far enough down where we could see her head… but just wouldn’t come any further. After close to 2 hours pushing, we reassessed the situation. Dr. Betcher became concerned that Day was not tolerating labor very well. He told us she was in distress and we needed to seriously consider a c-section. After all of my reservations with a section, surprisingly, it didn’t take much discussion to decide to go ahead with the surgery. Hearing that your baby is in distress really doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for options.

The surgery was rough. Those who say you don’t feel pain, only pressure are insane. If that’s the case, then it’s the same kind of pressure you would feel if a full grown man were to stomp grapes with both feet on your abdomen while you’re lying flat on your back. Sorry, I call that pain. Finally they pulled her out and she cried immediately. I had kept it together through the entire process until that moment. I didn’t even think about it. I cried so hard. And thanked GOD right there on the table. It was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard. She had a voice. I don’t understand how that sound punctured my heart the way it did. Ken went to see her immediately. On his way back, he saw my “guts” lying on my chest. When he got back to me, he told me that Day was perfect and beautiful and healthy. Then he said with a pale face and a shaky voice that the doctors were still doing some “pretty serious stuff” to me. I told him not to talk about it. Later he admitted that he thought maybe I wouldn’t make it. He said that every time he’d ever seen that much blood and guts (deer, cows, etc) that the “thing” had died. I think he was and is thoroughly impressed with what I went through physically.

They brought her to me and held her close to my face. I cried and kissed her while they put me back together. She had a head full of black hair, big bright blue eyes, and her daddy’s face. He makes such a pretty girl! We got a picture of that moment thanks to my friend Joedee who suggested we not forget to capture it – thank you, Joedee! Back in the labor room where I recovered, the nurses transitioned Day in the same room so we were never separated. She nursed as soon as they let me hold her. What a good little rule follower! That part went as planned - I was never away from her and never anxious about what they were doing to her.

So, needless to say, my experience was not at all what I had envisioned, but it turned out to be more than worth every second. I ended up getting what I wanted in a roundabout way: I got to experience going into labor, feeling contractions, pushing, AND a section – all with one baby. That way, if I never have another child, I can at least say I have been through all of it. Well, enough of it.

There were a lot of years that I could only imagine what it must be like to look into the eyes of a child that I had helped create. There were just as many years that I wondered if I would ever know how that felt. And now I know. And of course, there are no words for that. It is heaven on earth. The purest peace.

I will NOT be pregnant forever!

Even though it feels like it some days. At my 39 week appointment this morning, there was no change from last week. I'm 80-90% effaced but not dilated at all. Day is head down but still high. So, here's the plan...

I have a sonogram scheduled for Monday, February 9 which will be one day past my due date to check her size and weight. I have an appointment with Dr. Otey next Wednesday (Feb 11) for another check. If my cervix is still being stubborn, he said he really wants to give it another week before we do anything. If we do an induction before my cervix changes, the chances of a c-section increase. ALERT: The following may be too much information for some...

If I am at least 2 cm dilated at the Wednesday appt next week, he said he would strip my membranes. (Just email me if you don't know what this means, but want to know.) The membrane stripping is not a huge deal. It’s nothing like breaking my water or anything and would not increase my chances of having a section. It just sounds awful.

If we end up scheduling an induction it will probably be sometime during the week of Feb 15 - 21…. I’ll be 41 weeks plus some. He will not let me get to 42 weeks. So, Day will be definitely be here by February 21, if not sooner. That is the GREATEST news and so it’s what I am focusing on right now.

Here are some dates I have picked out that I think would be fabulous birthdays for Day…

TODAY – because I’m ready
Feb 5 – because that is Ken’s dad’s birthday
Feb 8 – because that is my due date
Feb 9 – because that is a full moon
Feb 11 – it will go right along with my double themed life
Feb 13 – that will be Friday 13th, last Friday 13th (June) was when we found out we were pregnant

I’m not so sure Valentine’s day would be the greatest day to have a birthday, but I’ll certainly take it if that’s when she decides to get here.

I’m trying to be ok with the “no change” status. I just want my body to cooperate so that I don’t have to have a c-section. I know it won't be the end of the world if I do have to have one, but I'd like to try to avoid it if I can. I’m glad Dr. Otey is not encouraging induction at this point if it will increase those chances. And yes, I realize that I’m not even TO my due date yet. I don’t want to hear about how I shouldn’t get anxious. Talk to me if you are 39 1/2 weeks pregnant, otherwise keep it to yourself. Thanks.

PS: I finally reached watermelon status this week:

The Waiting Game

We went Monday for our last sonogram so they could estimate her weight... 6 lb 14 oz. Angela, the technician, said that could be off by a pound either way but that she thought Day was probably at least 6 lbs and her guess would be no more than 8 at birth. I can do that. I was afraid she would say, "WOW! She's already 8 pounds!" Otherwise, everything looks good. Her stomach was full (of course), her heartbeat was strong, and we got to watch her "breathing"... that was a new experience. I told Angela where Day's butt was and where her feet were, and I was right. She sticks her little butt up all the time, so I'm familiar with where that is! I also get kicked in the same place consistently... my ribs on my right side. She's head down and facing backward, which is just how she needs to be for delivery. Good girl! She's a rule follower! We looked at her girl parts again just to be sure and she is still a girl. Whew.

We went back on Wednesday to meet with Dr. Otey. He said her size is great... big enough not to worry about and not too big to cause any delivery concerns. My due date is still accurate. I'm still not dilated any, but he explained that some people progress gradually over a period of weeks and some progress pretty quickly all at once. I guess he could tell that I had expected to have dilated some. I am 70% effaced though, and last time I was 50% so we are calling that progress. We go back next Wednesday morning for another check. I'll be 38 weeks, 3 days at that point.

I'm starting to get a little anxious. Or maybe I’m confusing anxious with excited. It's just the not knowing that is hard. It's like I've made all these preparations for a fabulous vacation, but nobody will tell me when the flight leaves. I'm on standby. And I'm trying not to make myself crazy, but honestly this is so far the hardest part of my pregnancy. I’m having to chant PATIENCE to myself every day now. I made an appointment to have a pedicure next Thursday and a haircut next Friday just to have something definite on my calendar. That should help me through another week. I'll have to figure out something else after that. And well, if I go into labor before that, I'll just have to deal with un-pedicured toes and yuck hair. I'll have a BABY!! There will be much more important things to think about. “Regardless of when, the end result will be a baby,” says Dr. Otey. I love him.

Just a couple of things that have made me smile this week...

Ken and I follow the babycenter.com updates every Sunday. This is where we get the produce comparison thing. I think the first food product was a lentil. Blueberry was a big deal, and of course the first melon was exciting. We always have fun with this, especially because Ken gets fired up about the accuracy of each fruit or vegetable. If one week's food happens to be smaller in his mind than the last week's food, he fusses at the stupid people who must have come up with this... obviously they know nothing about vegetables! This week, the baby is the size of swiss chard. The reason this is so funny to me is that Ken planted some swiss chard in the backyard months ago and was so proud. I had never heard of it, and couldn't figure out what was supposed to be so impressive about it. Although I had to admit, the name was interesting.

Here's a picture:

The next thing that made me laugh happened yesterday. After seeing the doctor, we installed the second car seat base in Ken’s truck. Really, a simple process once I watched the “Certified Car Seat Technician” at the fire station install mine. We practiced taking the car seat out of the stroller, latching it into the base, unlatching it, etc. Ken only spilled the baby once. Then when it looked like we might know what we were doing, I told him now all he needs is a mirror for the head rest so he can watch her from his rear view mirror. He sent me this picture and message later that afternoon:

“Oh, no! It’s a bear in my car!”

He had gone to Palmer Home Thrift Store and picked it up. He is going to be such a great daddy.

And for those of you who know I have been freaking out “a little” about having Day in the room with me the whole time, Ken and I met with the nurse supervisor at Baptist (Columbus) who assured us that she would be able to stay with us the entire time unless the nurse was called away for an emergency. I am officially letting go of that issue and trusting that it will work out like it’s supposed to. I’m pretty sure that was all just part of my anxiety and needing to control everything… after all, that is my tendency. I wasn’t going to be able to rest until I felt like I had done what was in my power to do. And now that we’ve met with Vanessa (remember that name, Cindy, if you have to use it on delivery day) it’s time to let it go. Now, I’m focusing on ALL GOOD THOUGHTS!

17 more days till the due date… YEEHAW!!

6 more weeks!

I'm 34 weeks now... 6 weeks until the due date. But only 3 weeks until she's full term. I don't know why I should still feel so surprised that I am pregnant. Are most moms used to the idea by now? I promise sometimes I wake up at night and think, "Oh my GOD, I'm pregnant!". It makes me smile every time.

We go back to the doctor next Monday, and then he'll start checking me at the appointment after that - at 36 weeks. So, I'm on the once a week schedule starting next week. I know she is growing! In fact, I'm pretty sure she's running out of room. She keeps a foot under my ribs and punches my bladder at the same time. Her movements are different, which started to freak me out the other day. But I've decided it's because she just doesn't have the room to cartwheel anymore like she had only a few weeks ago. I'm starting to get things together for the hospital, just in case. Still left to do: get car seat installed by someone who knows what they're doing, wash her clothes, sheets, etc, and continue to pray for a safe delivery and healthy baby.

My closest friends and family threw me a baby shower a few weeks ago, and it was insane! I was so overwhelmed at the number of people who came to celebrate with us. It was humbling. I don't think I ever really had a chance to slow down and focus... just laughter and smiles the whole time. And food... good food. We got some great gifts, really she is not lacking for any THINGS. She now has more clothes than will fit in her closet. The pictures on this post were from that day - taken by my favorite photographer Suzy, who happens to be my first cousin.

When we first found out we were pregnant, we got so many well wishes and heartfelt tears that I joked to Ken that this pregnancy felt like a community service project. But I really do feel that way. So many people have been invested in this and wanting it for us, that I feel like we are ALL being blessed. I promise to share as much of her as I can.

Baby Shower

Yesterday was my first baby shower. I've spent a lot of time over the past several years not loving baby showers. My work girls knew this, and they did an awesome job of making it so special for me. The decorations were all green and natural... birds nests, ivy, slate, candles. They even had a tree to plant in honor of Day Frances. The food was awesome, and even the serving dishes matched the whole "natural" theme. I was a little worried that this group was going to make me play cheesy games or do something embarrassing, but they pulled through without any high jinks. Thank you for that!

Here are a few pictures from the shower. The first is the table they had set up at the door. There were note cards that people could write a message to Day on and hang from the tree. There was also a bowl of stones that had sayings on them like Happy Day, Day Dream, Wonderful Day, etc. Those were for people to take with them. Isn't that the greatest idea? The center pieces on the tables were birds nests on slate with quotes about daughters all around. The cake was homemade and delicious. Then I included one picture of me and my Baby's Daddy opening presents. Well, me opening presents and Ken drinking coffee.

Not to diminish anyone's efforts or gifts, but one of my favorite things about yesterday was the Life Prayer that Kate wrote for Day. Kate has done a few of these for other new babies, and I was hoping she would be inspired to write one for Day. Seriously, she could commission this work and retire. They are truly beautiful. I couldn't even read it through the first time because of tears. (click on the image for full size)

Here I am with Mom reading it...

Thanksgiving

We have so much to be thankful for. Our lives are full. We are healthy. We have families and friends that love us. We have a home and a happy marriage. And best of all, we have a baby girl coming in February!

The day before Thanksgiving, we had our 29 week appointment and did the 4D ultrasound. You can see her face! It is so amazing. I had imagined she would look just like me, but I think I'm having to adjust that idea now... she is definitely Ken's baby. See for yourself. The middle picture is Ken, and the last one is me. Of course, I couldn't find a baby picture of me at 1 week with my eyes closed. Just saying.

Here's the belly progression:

(I look a little rough, but putting up the tree is a stressful event at my house.)

And one more of me and Caston...